History

Those long days of nothing to do, got in the car and just kept driving not knowing where we were going till we ended up in San Francisco, right at Fisherman’s Wharf. Walking amongst the crowds and crowds, separating us, buffeting us, you reached out to take my hand.

You forgot. We’re not supposed to touch. We’re not supposed to feel too many things we’re not supposed to feel because our roads are going separate ways and I can’t afford to remember guitar strings on cloudy November nights, your face bent over mine. Holding me like you were afraid to hold me I was afraid to let you hold me, knowing that it couldn’t have been any other way.

I think about you a lot, all the time. You cooking in my kitchen at three o’clock in the morning as I slept upstairs; coming in to wake me, you told me I smelled of sleep and babies, but mostly good things.

You on the other end of a phone line as night ebbed on, because we had so much too much to say and so much left unsaid.

You knew me. I trusted you so much with so much almost with all of me, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t, I couldn’t, you know you knew I couldn’t. We’re too different, our lives are too different you are going somewhere different from me.

We would have killed each other. Do you really think so? Yes yes I know so please don’t make me go there please don’t touch me no no there are no NO!

Your face over the guitar strings, when you’d look up at me just so and I could feel the world zoom in on us on my heart caving collapsing beating too strong.

Your face over the guitar strings, when your voice would blend somehow with mine and you reached out gently so gently too much too gently to brush the hair back from my face.

I thought you knew. And maybe you did. That there were too many reasons why not and the only reason why was the feeling of your hand over mine as you taught me to strum.

It’s gathering dust, under my bed, the guitar you bought me taught me to play. I don’t write any more don’t write music anymore because there is no one left to see to hear to care to understand.

My best friend, I have to let you go I have to let you go and I can’t can’t can’t can’t.

Do you remember countless hours dragging you around I have to find the perfect dress I’m so fat don’t be stupid you’ve got great legs you’re such an idiot you’re really pretty. Your foot is the same size as my hand my gosh you’ve got small feet let’s go jogging you’re kidding right I don’t jog c’mon! I’m going to get fat if you won’t run with me okay we’re going to run let’s at least run somewhere and get something to eat can I come over I really need to talk please don’t leave me alone I’m so scared let’s study chemistry I think you’re beautiful you’re such a beautiful person and you have a great heart YOUDON’TKNOWME! WE’RE TOO DIFFERENT, WE’RE DIFFERENT PEOPLE, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME, DON’T LEAVE ME I’M SO SCARED I’M SO ALONE, what am I supposed to do without you? Raining, it’s raining the smell of sidewalks after the rain, that’s what I love really I just love the rain and feeling it soft on my face raining in Baltimore you know it is could you stand to be three thousand miles away I can’t believe you flew to New York to see her I can’t believe you’re going out with him YOU’RE SUCH A JERK! You know you love me for it and maybe I do, but NO!

Sushi as in you want me to eat raw fish? It’s good trust me when have I ever lied to you? Not a good question to ask me if you’re trying to get me to do something don’t hit me don’t touch me keep your hands to yourself buddy friendly teasing your face as you drive and the way you palm the wheel do you know how much how very very much I want to say, and how very little it really is that I want to say?