Elder Brother

The parable of the elder brother never used to make sense to me. Trying to put myself in his shoes, I would try to imagine how I would feel if my younger brother or sister had returned after a long absence. I always thought I would feel more like the father - ecstatic, ready to kill the fatted calf and throw a big party. I'm very close to my brother and sister.

Of course, I was reading the parable far too literally and giving myself much too much credit for being a better person than I really am. I've realized lately just how much of the elder brother I can be.

I know a woman who has lived a rather immoral life. She's committed adultery, lied, cheated, stolen. And probably done some other questionable things. But now she goes to church, and, as far as I know, has repudiated her old ways. (At least, if not exactly remorseful, she no longer does those things.) She is remarried, has a baby, and is a stay-at-home mom.

I can't stand her and it's taken me the longest time to figure out why. She's pleasant enough. I see rather a lot of her, and, although we have very little in common, that has never prevented me from being friends with someone.

It's taken me a while to realize that what I feel towards her must be how the elder brother felt towards the younger brother when he returned. It feels something like jealousy, although it's not quite jealousy. I don't envy her peaceful life or anything in it - my own life is far too filled with blessings for me to ever envy anyone else's life. But I have to admit that I feel like it's unfair for someone who has sinned so much and so willingly to have arrived at a place so close to where I am.

Ugly, isn't it? Realizing that this is at the root of my dislike of her, I am so ashamed of myself. I haven't deserved the many blessings God has given me, either, and yet, there must be some part of me that feels like I somehow do. Like I have somehow earned what I have. But I know better than that, I do. I only hope that, now that I've gotten to the root of my own sinful thoughts towards this woman, God will help me to change.