Scared

I feel so scared. It's a horrible feeling. I have no real reason to be afraid, just a jumble of insecurities and anxieties that never leave me (perhaps the most faithful friends I've had in a long time). I feel like I'm having a long, drawn-out panic attack that has already lasted several days. I just want to stay in bed, stay asleep.

A sample of the voices in my head:

• I quit my job to be a writer, and I'm afraid that I'm not any good at it, that I'll never be any good at it. At the same time, I don't know why I care about being good at it.

• My friends are scattered and far away, and I'm afraid that the loneliness I feel will never abate.
  
• The walls of this apartment are closing in on me. My neighbors are bizarre characters from fun-house nightmares, and I am afraid that I will never be able to afford a house or get away from here.
  

On the subject of my neighbors, here is what I mean:
Next door to me is an officious, domineering software consultant. He even tries to boss me around; I hate to imagine what his wife has to put up with. He is married to someone we believe was a mail-order bride. She looks several decades younger than him, she's beautiful (he's not), and she speaks very little English. She looks terrified whenever I try to talk to her. I don't often do so, because he is almost always with her (he works from home).

Downstairs is a woman of about sixty-five, although she could easily be older than that. She's a nice old lady, but has a tendency to violate your personal space when she's talking to you, thus affording me the opportunity to observe that she nearly always reeks of alcohol. I ran into her in the parking garage one day, after she had just parked her car, and it was the same thing. I can't believe someone of her age wouldn't know better than to drive drunk. She lives alone, and depresses the hell out of me.

We have already discussed Crazy Fed Ex Lady. I still can't figure out why she was so freaked out about her package that she couldn't wait for a couple of hours for us to get home from work, but had to have the package RIGHT NOW. My theory is that it contained some sort of illegal substance.

The apartment manager, who also lives in the building, has a frightening smile.