Mystique

I'm afraid I'm turning into a little suburban housewife. I was very excited when I recently discovered the Greatest Costco Ever. It's located in an industrial area, right off the freeway (i.e., easy access), and, because there are no residences around, there aren't very many people. There is always parking, and the lines are never longer than two or three people deep. The staff is friendly and helpful. I was so excited about this that I became frightened: who gets this excited about a Costco?

Well, me, at this point in my life. I've been in a slump lately. I'm so focused on the house hunt that everything else has taken a back seat, including writing. Or maybe I'm so focused on the house hunt to avoid thinking about the writing? I'm nearly done with a manuscript, and so have started spending more time thinking about agents and publishers, and I have to say, the whole thing turns me off. Putting together a book proposal is like putting together a business plan, and involves figuring out who your market is and the potential size, etc., etc. No wonder we have so many crap books out there: it's what the majority of people want to read, stuff that reads like television and doesn't force you to use your brain at all. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I'm not out to garner readership; I write because I'm trying to create art. The idea of trying to tailor what I write to maximize commercial potential is incredibly painful. I'd rather not write at all.

So - even the house hunt, painful as it can be at times, is less painful than thinking about writing. I feel ridiculous complaining about stress, when, compared to most people, my life is or should be stress-free. But it just seems like so many things are so uncertain for me right now. If I don't/can't write for a living, what am I going to do with myself? Where am I going to be living in the next few months? In general, where is my life going, what am I accomplishing or even trying to accomplish?

I know I'm lucky; I have options. So many people don't. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. I know how fortunate and how blessed I am and have been. God has blessed me beyond anything I have deserved, and I trust in His plan for me. Speak, Lord, for Your servant listens.